Forgive Me, First Love
by Mess of a Writer
Summary: Just a short ficlet based on "First Love" by Adele. Angst.


She'd lost that feeling. The one that would make her heart feel as if it were soaring in her chest dying to be set free, ready to take the world by storm with its effervescent joy. She'd lost it. All that remained was a tightening sensation that suffocated her as her hands reached out to grasp on to the nearest surface to help her regain her balance even though she was sitting, her hand settling on the arm rest beside her.

She clamped her eyes shut when tunnel vision took over and her head felt light and dizzy. That didn't help, though. Behind her eyelids, she only saw images of the days when she was alive and filled with such emotion that made her want to run into the streets and just tell the world that she was in love.

But now? Now, well, she wasn't. In love, that is.

She had been in it for so long, and it had always felt so fresh and new. Its new-ness had faded over time and she could feel the tears pooling in her eyes just thinking about that time.

She hated that. Crying. She never thought it suited her well and she always felt weak for doing so, but she couldn't bother with that at the moment.

She cried for what she had. For what she had to walk away from. She needed to walk away, for Rachel's sake. If she had fallen out of love, she couldn't keep stringing her around. Sure, it would break Rachel, but she knew it would almost kill her to find out down the line that she had only kept up pretenses for her sake. She had to sit her down, and let her know. So, she opened her eyes and looked at Rachel, who sat before her with her own eyes slightly unfocused.

"I don't, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me, Quinn. I just..."

"I can't do this anymore, Rach."

"Do what? You can't love me anymore?" Her voice cracked and the tears had caused her mascara to smudge and yet, Quinn couldn't help but think that she looked so beautiful when she was vulnerable like this. So open and raw... and hurt. A hurt that Quinn, herself, had caused and hated herself for doing so.

"That's just it, I-" Quinn looked down, her hands rubbing against the harsh fabric of her jeans. "I don't." She had struggled for the right words, but had to settle for the simplest ones.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't love you anymore." Those hands now sifted through her hair as she fought with herself not to look away from the woman before her. She couldn't look away, she owed her that much. She wanted to let her know that this was hurting her to admit, and that she wanted so desperately to not have lost that feeling, but it needed to be said.

"You don't mean that, Quinn. You're just- you're in a rough place, that's all. I understand that, I do. You just need to take a few days to clear your mind and we'll be fine, right?" Her tone had been soft, yet pleading, and Quinn's heart ached as she watched Rachel's expressive eyes bore into her own with a look of hope and desperation melded together. Her small hand lifted and approached Quinn's own and, when her fingertips grazed Quinn's palm, Quinn pulled it away as if it burned her. It might as well have. She knew that if Rachel touched her, she would change her mind just to soothe her and take away her pain, pushing her own unhappiness away just so that Rachel's face would be free of that hurt.

"Rae..."

"Don't do this, Quinn. Please, don't do this."

"I have to, Rachel. I need to find myself again. I need to find that feeling again, with someone else, or alone. I don't know, but I can't sit here and pretend that everything is all right when it isn't. It's not fair to you. To either of us."

"You can find it again with me, Quinn. We can go back to how it was. I know we can. Just stay, please," her chin trembled and she pulled in her lower lip to try and ease the motion, with little results. "_Please_."

"I'm sorry, I can't." As she said the words, she saw Rachel's shoulders drop in acceptance.

"I..." Rachel knew that there was nothing she could do or say to make it better, that this needed to happen. She had felt things change over the past few weeks, how Quinn didn't look at her the same, didn't touch her the same way. She tried to overlook it- to deny it- but now it all just came back and hit her painfully in the chest as Quinn stood up, reaching for her jacket, and walked away.

Quinn looked over her shoulder at Rachel, her key dropping onto the table and making a noise that made Rachel's stomach twist, wiped away her falling tears, and walked out.

"Forgive me, Rachel." She whispered as the door shut behind her.


End file.
